Archive for the 'Process' Category

Where have all the days gone?

Wednesday, February 8th, 2006

Put a piece of blank computer page in front of me and I’m frozen. That’s where the days have gone. I make too much of this. No one has commented yet. So I can write for myself.

My head had all kinds of things to say a few minutes ago. Now it’s bashful and quiet.

Aged cheese. That’s what I want to say. Why do we value aged cheese and aged wine and then not value aged people? I want to age, mature, become wiser, grow up.

And I’m having a struggle with that. I don’t know whether it’s just the idea of change - no it’s the growing up. Taking responsibility for my life in a way that I haven’t. Giving up the idea that it is my life and letting LIFE live through me. Letting Spirit lead my life.

Can I do that?

It’s not a doing, it’s an allowing.

Does it really work?

I don’t know, I haven’t given it much of a try, not consciously. There have been times when life seemed to flow with ease and then I come along and mess it up.

There’s a conversation going on in my head. I’m not sure who is who. I know sometimes a part of me watches another part of me. That we have an observer and that when I shift my perspective, life can be very different.

Who am I? Where is the unique part of me that wants to express itself as it was born to do? Can I really write along and hope to see a glimpse of it/that part? I want to live on purpose and what is that purpose? Again who is that I? How do I get out of my way?

I’m tired of being perfect, of trying to be how I’m supposed to be, what my head tells me I “should” be and that’s where the days go. I become afraid of saying the wrong thing, doing the wrong thing, being myself/Self. And the days go by and I’m no closer to knowing who I am.

That voice again, well that’s not really true. You just don’t write about it. You keep it all to yourself.

I feel such a yearning to be known, to be seen, to be …. to be my self. To have the chutzpah to be just as I am, no hiding, no caring about what anyone else thinks, being free like I was as a kid.

Get that voice out of my head. Do kids have voices in their heads? A friend’s son talked about being on planets and really wild things like that.

Tears come to my eyes. The yearning is so strong. For what? To be free, to live as I want to, not throw out all society’s rules, free in some way that is me. Where did I loose me?

Trying to please others, to fit in, to hide my heart, to hide all the parts of me that I though weren’t acceptable. Now I want to bring them out of hiding and they are so scared. Will I like them, can I live with myself like that?

Can you? Are you alive? or keeping your aliveness hidden in a closet? buried under a rock since you were a kid? Will you come out and play? I want some real live people, oh yes, aged and I think we’re the better for it.

Calendars

Sunday, January 1st, 2006

The day after Christmas, I used to go to the Calendar Club to buy two calendars at half price. Before that, I didn’t even think much about a calendar. Now my calendars are like changeable art on the wall. This year I carefully picked them out - before Christmas. They are much different than last year’s two: pale Chinese scenes and chaotic mandalas made from flower petals - that’s where I was last year.

This year I looked for what appealed to me from the much larger selection. They must have so many of one kind of calendar and when it’s gone they bring out a different one. I bought my calendars at different times and discovered I’d gotten two different calendars, from the same company, Brush Dance. They are simple and bright. The one in my office is a green water color with some black calligraphy-like symbols, called New Beginnings.

The one in my bedroom (it wasn’t available when I bought the one for my office) is a picture of an orchid, also with a green background. It has a quote for each month. January’s, from Diane Ackerman, is: “I don’t want to come to the end of my life and find that I have just lived the length of it. I want to have lived the width of it as well.” I would add I want to have lived the depth of it as well.

The riches of my life have come from the depths, the deep well inside me. The depths of despair have allowed (is that the word I want) me to let go of sacred cows. Maybe forced is a better word. I have found the place where sadness and joy are just a moment apart and I couldn’t really tell which was which.

Is it depth than or is it a circle, no a ball or a globe. Emotions are very hard to describe; I feel them and sense them. I experience them; they are life. In my 30s, I thought that therapy would teach me how to control my emotions or make them go away. Was I ever wrong and fortunately so. Emotions are the seasonings of life, the texture, the music and drama.

I woke last night at 12:35 am, 2006. When I saw the time (I’d gone to bed at 10 as usual) I immediately thought, whew 2005 is gone, it’s 2006 and went to change my calendars. I took the old ones down, revealing the new ones underneath.

I was surprised by my response to the new year. I’ve been a little apprehensive because I’m going to be 60 in May. Ah yes, the old both/and thing. I will be a whole bunch of feelings, I don’t have to do either/or any more. I get it all, highs and lows, the whole globe of feelings.

Last night I finished, Bernie Glassman’s book, “Bearing Witness.” The book was very powerful (what does that mean?) The book has given me many new perspectives, validations, and a welcoming into a different world than I’ve experienced. I’m bearing witness to this year of my life. And that will make a huge difference.